


Yet Another Christmas Story

by BiBlasphemy



Category: the bible i guess
Genre: Bible, Blasphemy, Jesus - Freeform, New Testament - Freeform, Swearing, if you're very passionate about jesus and the bible do not read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 13:16:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21640009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BiBlasphemy/pseuds/BiBlasphemy
Summary: Let me tell you what really happened over 2000 years ago.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is just a little blatantly blasphemic thing I wrote for my friends that I decided to put here. I will publish one chapter every 2-3 days so by the time Christmas hits we'll have the whole story online.  
Now, some further information: English is not my first language and there might be some odd turns of phrases and typos still. I wrote this thing instead of working on several other important things for uni, which is why I decided to only proofread it once. (Sue me.) Also, this short story might be highly offensive to some people. If you love Jesus that's great! I'm just not sure if reading this will make you happy. Then again, I also believe that any god that neither understands the concept of jokes nor accepts any form of criticism isn't worth being worshipped. But that's just my personal hot take.  
Well, that's it for now, so here's chapter one!

**100 %**

“God, for fuck’s sake. Watch where you’re going!” I exclaimed as I picked up my phone. At first, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t at my aunt’s wedding anymore because – and let’s be honest here – every single wedding looks the same after midnight. I had just fully charged my phone because I needed an excuse to get away from all those drunk people for a while and the first thing that happened after I got back was this. Amazing. So yeah, you can imagine how confused I was when I realized that a broken phone screen might not be my biggest issue at the moment.  
I was surrounded by drunk people, still, so that wasn’t what confused me. It’s just that I suddenly didn’t know who they were and where I was. And I wasn’t wearing my pastel yellow dress anymore but several layers of brown fabric. Apparently, that guy at the wedding had knocked me out real good and I was in a coma now, hallucinating all of this pre-historic shit.  
“Where’s the wine? We ran out of wine!” complained one of the guests next to me as he stuck his head into a large pitcher. Several people around us groaned.  
“I told you we shouldn’t come to this wedding, Peter,” said another man examining the empty pitchers. “We weren’t even invited.”  
“Yes, we were,” disagreed the man named Peter. “I mean, we’re family now, aren’t we?”  
“We’ve known him for a few weeks.” Peter just shrugged.  
I slowly took a few steps back because I didn’t want to get involved in any of this. Especially, since drunk people were unpredictable. I leaned against a wall and hid my phone behind my back. As long as I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t want to attract any suspicion that could get me on top of a flickering pile of wood.  
A man who was probably just a few years older than me stood at the edge of the crowd and was talking to a woman. He looked a little annoyed, but I couldn’t tell why because I didn’t hear what they were talking about. The woman then proceeded to point at a couple of pitchers right next to where I was standing.  
“Jesus, this is ridiculous!” exclaimed Peter’s friend in frustration and looked at the man who just mouthed, “I know” and then made his way to the pitchers.  
“This is indeed ridiculous,” he mumbled as he looked into the pitchers and sighed.  
“It’s just water, man. There’s no more wine,” said a drunk guy.  
“You sure about that?” the other man replied and handed him a cup. The drunk almost lost his mind and shouted, “Hey, everyone, that shit just turned into wine!” And that’s when I realized that Peter’s friend didn’t just say “Jesus”, he actually talked _to_ Jesus.  
“Doing parlor tricks now, I see,” I commented silently. Apparently, I said that way louder than I thought because Jesus looked at me and said, “You must be really drunk to say something like that.”  
“Naah, not really,” I replied. “Just no sense for self-preservation.” Jesus shook his head and disappeared into the crowd that was now going insane over all that wine. I fought my way through the room in hopes of finding our true Lord and Savior, hallelujah, but he was gone. “This is indeed ridiculous,” I repeated Jesus’s words. What was I doing here? “Is this punishment for calling my aunt a hypocritical cow behind her back? If that’s so, then you know very well that I’m right and that this is beyond unfair,” I said to an apparently existing God and hid in a corner so I could check my phone. Well, I was fucked. No reception at all, obviously, so I was definitely lost in time. But then again, whoever or whatever sent me here would surely send me back. One day. Hopefully.  
I knew I had to find Jesus or his pals if I wanted to survive around here so I went back to the pitchers and hoped for the best. Thankfully, Peter was a suspicious son of a bitch, so he came back to double-check the wine pitchers.  
“Peter, right?” I asked as he examined a pitcher. “Sorry to bother you but I heard that you know this guy named Jesus and I’m sort of new in town so I was wondering if I could stick around, you know.” What an amazing way to introduce oneself. Great job.  
“Well, I’m sure there’ll be more than enough wine,” he answered but he didn’t seem too happy about any of this.  
“Is everything alright?”  
“Well, you see, I don’t actually know that guy. But he keeps talking about God and doing all of these things, so I guess we’ll be fine.” Peter shrugged. “I’m sure Mary will find you a place to stay for tonight, we’ll be leaving for Jerusalem tomorrow anyway.” He led me to the woman who had been talking to Jesus earlier that night and told her I need a place to crash. Sure enough she had a spare bed, which was basically just a pile of stinking straw but at least I had a place to spend the night.

Going on the toilet the next morning wasn’t really exciting and neither was the prospect of walking over a hundred miles while the sun gave its best to kill us but, you know, Jesus. He wouldn’t let any of us die, right? Then again, I left the church a few years ago and I didn’t quite know how he’d feel about that so …  
“I fucking hate this,” I whispered after four hours of walking and avoiding any type of extended small talk because I knew I’d blow my cover the second they’d ask me anything besides, “How you doin’?” Would they stone me for carrying a phone with me and claiming I was from the future? Probably.  
“Did you say something?” the man walking in front of me asked.  
“Oh, no, I didn’t,” I quickly said.  
“I’m Judas, by the way.” Oh_ no_, poor guy. I tried not to give anything away and told him my name.  
I never quite understood all that backlash he got for “betraying” Jesus. I mean, Jesus _convinced_ him to do it and then everyone got mad that he actually did what the Lord asked him to do? Besides, wasn’t that like part of the divine plan anyway? Did Judas even have a say in this? “Let’s give everyone free will except for Judas. We’ll make him suffer for no reason at all.” Yeah, I was very torn when it came to that.  
Our little party came to a halt and we sat down under a couple of trees. We ate some bread and drank some water but all I could think of was how soon that guy in front of me would be on a cross. I suppose he already knew what was going to happen but you know, the others didn’t. Jesus was a dead man walking. Then again, so are we but you know.  
“They’ll kill me,” Jesus suddenly said. “Not for long, though, but still.” Oh, so … he just told them.  
“Kill you? Who?” asked Peter and he sounded genuinely concerned.  
“People, I assume,” he said. I tried really hard not to laugh. He was way too chill about it. Peter sat there, dumbfounded, and obviously didn’t know what to say. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back.”  
“You’ll be back?” asked Judas, who was now confused as well. Jesus just nodded and finished eating his bread. The twelve of them looked at each other as if they just watched a man ripping his own arm off. To be fair, we’re talking about a 20-something-year-old man here. Casually talking about being murdered isn’t really the go to move at this age. Jesus was behaving like a stoner and I was so here for this. He’d have to go through hell soon enough, he should have some fun as long as he could.  
After a few minutes, we got back up and continued our journey towards Jerusalem. I wanted to stick to my plan and talk to people as little as possible, so I stayed in the back and minded my own business, but our bro Jesus didn’t seem to like that because he decided to join me. Well, he was alright, I suppose. The son of God didn’t seem the type of person to stone someone for accidentally coming from the future.  
“What exactly is your plan here?” I asked him. “You know they won’t actually believe that you’ll be killed, right? They’ll stand there and stare at your body and say things like, ‘We did not see that coming _at all._’” Jesus smiled weakly.  
“What makes you think that?”  
“You’re kidding, right? We both know what’s going to happen. Or at least, you know it very well and I just know a couple of made up stories.”  
“So I’m fiction to you?”  
“You as a person? No. But I’m not gonna pretend like what a couple of old men wrote years after your death are 100 percent true. It’s a nice story and overall it serves a purpose but that’s it.”  
“I see,” he said. “Are you going to stick around?”  
“Doesn’t look like I’ve got a choice, really,” I answered. I meant to ask him something else but he suddenly pointed at something in the distance and said, “Oh, look. There’s Jerusalem.”  
“The fuck it is, we’ve only been walking for a few hours.” He seemed amused by my choice of words but didn’t say anything about it.  
“We must’ve walked pretty fast,” he replied nonchalantly.  
“You know, your little parlor tricks would be a lot more impressive if they were a little more obvious so people would start noticing.” Jesus just shrugged. “By the way, if you plan on doing another speech any time soon, maybe talk about some lgbt stuff. It’s really getting annoying back in 2020. Make it as explicit as possible though because some people _cannot_ take a hint.”  
“Do you really think any of those old men you talked about would even consider writing that down? Why don’t you speak on my behalf and tell them the truth?”  
“Great idea, nobody in the history of believing in an invisible entity has ever thought of that,” I replied sarcastically. “If you won’t do that, then just have the rapture in 2021. I don’t care. I’m actually just wondering if that’s still a thing at this point.”  
“It never was. Poor John went a little crazy in isolation. We just wanted to keep him some company, we didn’t know he’d take all of that literally and write it down.”  
“You’re kidding, right?”  
“Of course I am. The apocalypse is definitely happening. Sometime in late May.”  
“Mmmkay,” I said. “I’ll warn everyone.”  
“You better. It’s gonna be gay.”  
“Gay?”  
“May, it’s gonna be in May.” I looked at him suspiciously.  
“It better be, or else,” I warned him.  
“Or what? I’ll be dead by then, remember? And anyway, you can’t truly kill a god.”  
“I can always try.” Jesus laughed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I assume you've already noticed that I decided to condense time in this story and tell the whole thing over the span of a few short days. Is it because I'm too lazy to stick to the actual time schedule? Definitely yes.  
Oh, and also because this is a ridiculous parody after all.

**90%**

We passed through the gates of Jerusalem about an hour after my conversation with Gay Apocalypse and I was hoping we could just sit down and never get up again because my feet weren’t really used to all that walking. Instead, our homeboy Jesus headed straight for the temple because he missed his dad or whatever, so we entered the house of God to say a little prayer. Except that it was full of merchants praising their merchandise, which made Jesus stop dead in his tracks, turn around and leave the temple without a word. I felt terrible for being excited about what was about to happen next but what can you do? They’ll just have to learn it the hard way and I wanted to catch it all on camera so fucking bad.  
One of his disciples told him we could crash at his place so that’s where we went. Jesus thanked him, gathered a few things and then sat into a corner where he started _braiding_.  
“Uuh, Jesus, what, uh, what exactly are you doing?” Peter asked him but Jesus was in his zone and just silently kept braiding that whip. A couple of his friends prepared a small meal in the meantime and were somewhat relaxed but as soon as Jesus finished his whip after the meal, the air in the room suddenly got thick. He then said, “Time for a little prayer” and went outside. Everyone followed him and Andrew – Peter’s brother, who I decided to call Andy – asked me, “What’s he up to?”  
“I think he’ll surprise us all,” I said with a mischievous smile on my lips. I was the devil, I know.  
Then, Jesus entered the temple, big dick energy and all, and lashed with his whip.  
“Get the fuck out of here you fucking fuck tarts,” he yelled. I mean, that’s what he should’ve said if you ask me. But that’s just my opinion. Just imagine him saying the family friendly version of that. He then proceeded to turn over tables and opened the pigeon cages. “This is a fucking house of God, you dumbasses!” (Again, no actual swearing.) I was quite impressed that he managed to drive out all the merchants and money changers because let’s be real for a second: They could’ve killed him in mere seconds if they really wanted to. He was outnumbered. Big time.  
Also, all the people were out now but there was still a large number of sheep and cows and I wasn’t going to clean up that mess. Either wasn’t Jesus, who just marched over to the other side and sat on the stairs.  
Then, he prayed.

“I’m hungry, are you guys hungry?” Jesus asked as we left the temple. Most of his disciples were still a little nervous and didn’t want to upset him so they just nodded even though we only ate like an hour ago. We came across a small tree that wasn’t bearing any fruit, so Jesus said, “You shall never bear any fruit again, you cursed fig tree!” Within seconds, the tree was dead.  
“Dude, what the fuck?” I exclaimed. “It’s not even fig season!” The others around me looked at me shockingly.  
“I-I’m sure he had his reasons,” Judas quickly said.  
“It. Is. Not. Even. Fig. Fucking. Season,” I repeated and clapped my hands for each syllable. “Why? Why did you have to do that?” I asked Jesus.  
“I’m teaching you guys a lesson.”  
“And that lesson is?” I inquired.  
“As long as you believe and don’t doubt God, you too can do things like that and more.”  
“This isn’t fucking teleshopping!” I was so frustrated, for a split second, I forgot they didn’t know what teleshopping was. “And anyway, why would you punish something or someone who didn’t do anything wrong? What kind of lesson is that?” Jesus just shrugged and continued his walk. “Oh, so you’re just gonna walk away, huh? What a son of God you are.” The others behind me gasped. I turned around. “You should seriously grow yourselves some backbones. This,” I wildly gestured with my hands as I spoke to those cowards, “is ridiculous.” And with that, I walked away, only that I didn’t realize that there was only one way to go, so I had to walk past Jesus, who decided to follow me.  
“Why are you so angry? It’s just a weird tree,” he said.  
“This is about principles. Principles I shouldn’t have to teach you about. Seriously, how can you even partially be God?”  
“That’s not how it – I’m also human, though.”  
“That’s why you can be a dick to trees? I know what happens when people start being dicks to trees so stop telling me it’s okay to do that. This was just to satisfy your enormous ego and impress your pals over there. It was for your own satisfaction, nothing more.”  
I started to realize why there were so many years from his life missing in the Bible. Jesus was a dick.  
“This whole thing, this whole plan,” he said, “only works if they truly believe that I am who I say I am. If I have to do things like that, so be it. Would you rather I just left?”  
“Honestly? I would not mind. Christianity is a hell hole that keeps getting fucking raped by old white cis men.” Let me tell you, he did not like that answer, oh boy. Then again, he was also God, so he stopped caring pretty fast. Before he could say anything, I proposed a solution, “Let me tell you something. You can do whatever the fuck you want, I won’t be able to stop you anyway, but I promise you, as long as I’m here I’ll keep criticizing every single detail until you strive to become the savior those guys back there see in you.”  
“I could just get rid of you and send you to hell straight away,” he said casually.  
“First of all, nothing I do has ever been or will ever be straight. Second, hell is empty and all the demons are up here. Third, that means I’ll just have even more time to prepare the gayest party ever down there. It’s a win-win for me.” He wouldn’t send me to hell. That would contradict every single fiber of his being. I was in such a great position. That’s like sitting in the front row in a circus and not having to fear one of the clowns might pull you out on stage. Did I just compare a whole religion to a fucking clown show? Yes, yes I did.


	3. Chapter 3

**80 %**

So far, I’d only learnt that Jesus was canceled and being a dick to trees was in. More on the news at 10.  
So, when everybody else decided to follow that bitch of a son to a nearby lake I wasn’t too excited to listen to his prayers. I mean, he could straight up say shit like, “And this is why you shouldn’t give to charity” and I’d have to live with that information, knowing fully well that no one would ever believe me if I told them. So yeah, I didn’t really listen to his little sermon and drew Pokémon into the dirt instead. (My Vulpix turned out really cute, y’all.)  
Turns out, a fuck ton of people wanted to hear what he had to say so once Jesus was done, he looked around and pretended to be concerned. “How are we going to feed all these people?” he asked innocently. And Andy, bless his soul, said: “I saw a little boy with five loaves of bread and two fish.”  
“That’s not gonna feed several thousand people, though, bro,” Peter said.  
“I know it won’t feed several thousand people, bro.”  
“Then why did you mention it, bro?”  
“I was just trying to help, bro,” Andy explained.  
“Like, c’mon, bro.”  
“What, bro.”  
“Bro.” Andy looked at Peter as if he’d just betrayed him.  
“Oh my god,” I mumbled and rolled my eyes.  
“Let’s just start handing them out, Peter. I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Jesus said and gave a loaf to the woman next to him. Nobody seemed to object but neither did they help him so I picked up a loaf and yeeted (yote?) it into the crowd.  
That seemed to wake them up because Peter immediately asked me: “What exactly do you think you’re doing? We’ve only got so much bread and you just throw it away?”  
“You might wanna check again,” I just said and handed another loaf of bread to a man who had a wonderful smile but no teeth. What had started out as a low mumbling soon turned into a full-blown chatter about how great Jesus was for giving them some bread and _fucking raw fish_. Obviously, they cooked the fish over a fire but how good can a fish really be without any seasoning? It’s not like anybody took their whole spice cabinet with them when they left the house to go listen to that random guy.  
Jesus decided to leave while most of the crowd was still eating because apparently, he’d heard some guys talking about wanting him for king or whatever and he didn’t seem to like that. Honestly, somebody explain that guy to me. One day, he’s the most arrogant and entitled person, and the other day, he shies away from any attention. Somebody needed a serious vibe check.  
We got to the shores where Jesus told everyone he’d meet us at the other side of the lake. Coincidentally, there was a boat large enough to fit all of us right there. So instead of objecting to every single word Jesus had just uttered – like any normal human being – everyone climbed into the boat. I meant to ask a couple of follow up questions but Jesus was already gone. Where did he – Why was I even here if all I could do was to just copycat everything the others already did anyway? “Fuck me sideways,” I swore on my way into the boat. I took a seat in the back since I didn’t know anything about sailing and just waited for today’s big showdown. Soon enough, the sky turned dark and the winds and waves started to move the boat. Everybody became nervous and even though I told them to chill they decided to freak each other out by listing different death scenarios.  
“I can’t swim, guys,” Peter said and hugged the pole.  
“You’re a fisherman, Peter. How come you can’t swim?” asked Judas.  
“I am a really good fisherman, okay? I never actually fell off a boat.”  
I looked up to the sky and thought: “Oh my fucking god. I am surrounded by idiots.”  
Just as the storm was about to turn the boat over, Andy spotted a figure in the distance and shouted: “A ghost! Look over there! There’s a ghost!” Everyone stared into the dark night when suddenly a lightning strike revealed a man-like shape on the water ahead of us. “It really is a ghost!” confirmed Judas but Mary disagreed. “No, look, it’s Jesus!” Again, nobody objected, they just accepted it the moment Mary said it. Luckily, they were right. Real bummer if it actually were Samara and not the son of God.  
“Lord, is that really you?” shouted Peter into the night, with his arms still clinging to the pole. Jesus, who was now much closer theatrically opened his arms and said: “It is me. Don’t be afraid.”  
“If it’s really you then let me come to you,” said Peter, which surprised everyone.  
“But you can’t swim, Peter! You said it yourself!” objected Judas.  
“I told you that’s because I never fell off a boat. I don’t plan on making that a habit now.” And with that, he released the pole and stepped onto the water. He’d only taken a few steps when a large wave made its way to our boat and scared the shit out of Peter. He immediately sank but before he could drown and be released from this mortal coil Jesus grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the boat. The storm disappeared in an instant.  
“Why did you doubt me?” he asked him and I was just about to explain that he didn’t actually doubt him because everyone would’ve freaked out at the sight of that massive wave but before I could utter a single word everyone had fallen onto their knees and declared their everlasting fellowship. I just sat there and couldn’t believe how easy all of that had been for Jesus so far. I mean, these parlor tricks didn’t cost him any effort at all but gave him all the admiration in the world. All of that thanks to the privilege he was born into. No wonder white cis men were so obsessed with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**70 %**

After we’d made it back to Jerusalem everyone just crashed and was asleep in seconds, but I wasn’t exhausted, so I joined Jesus who was sitting under a tree outside.  
“Tomorrow, we’ll be on our way to Bethany and once we’ll get back, everything’s gonna change,” he said as I sat down next to him.  
“I’m pretty sure it already has,” I answered. He just smiled weakly. “You could just disappear, you know. I know you probably think that dying for everyone’s sins is going to change everything but people will still find ways to discredit and invalidate that. In the end, it won’t matter I’m afraid, not really.”  
“You don’t understand,” he simply said.  
“No, I don’t,” I agreed.  
“People have a way of twisting things but that doesn’t make the things themselves unimportant. I am not doing this for every single person to ever live, simply because I can’t make it right for everyone. I just know that I need to do this to be happy, to make at least someone else happy. And that should be reason enough.”  
“It just seems so excessive, you know?” That actually made him laugh.  
“God doesn’t half-ass things.”  
“Holy shit, did you really just swear?” I asked.  
“No one will ever believe you.”  
“You monster.”

The next morning we got woken up by a young man who was sent to find Jesus.  
“Jesus, your friend Lazarus is very sick. You must come at once.”  
“My brother is sick?” asked Mary and the messenger nodded. “Please, Lord, let us go to him.” Jesus calmed them down and promised to help Lazarus. The messenger left again and everyone got quickly ready to leave town. Everyone except for Jesus who took his sweet time making and finishing his breakfast, which greatly upset Mary. And also Andy, who seemed to have a crush on her but I wasn’t entirely sure yet.  
“He’ll be fine,” I assured her but she didn’t believe me. Half an hour later we finally left but got stopped just outside of the house by a blind man Jesus seemed very interested in.  
“Lord, I’ve been blind all my life,” he said.  
“You should have no trouble staying that way then,” Andy mumbled. “Let’s keep going.”  
“What the heck, Andy?!” I exclaimed.  
“Yeah, what’s that about, Andrew?” Jesus asked as well, who was now kneeling in front of the blind man. Andy weakly apologized and took a few steps back. Jesus then spit on the ground and smeared the muddy liquid on the blind man’s eyes.  
“There must’ve been a better way to do this,” I commented, thoroughly disgusted.  
“Go and wash your eyes,” Jesus told the man, who got up and left.  
“Seriously, Jesus,” I said, “no offense but that was really unsanitary and overall, just _slightly_ gross.”  
“It’s the first century. What did you expect?” He shrugged, turned and walked away.  
“The first century? What did he mean by that?” asked Mary.  
“No idea,” I lied and decided to bathe several days in disinfectant once I got back home.  
We’d only gotten to the town’s borders when the blind man caught up with us, only that he wasn’t blind anymore. Again, everyone was really impressed and praised Jesus all over again, blah blah blah. It really gets boring after a while. I’m only telling you this because it’ll become important later in the story. (Oh, fourth wall break.) Well, who am I kidding. Y’all know the story, so I’ll just skip ahead. See, in our absence, the formerly blind man proceeded to tell everyone who wanted to know (and also everyone who didn’t want to know) what Jesus had done and that really upset some influential people (we’ll call them influencers from now on) so by the time we’d get back they’ll want to see him dead. Now, back to Lazarus.  
On our way there, Jesus wanted to make sure to personally apologize to every single fig tree we crossed about the thing he did a few days ago, which cost us some valuable time.  
Turns out, we didn’t get there in time.  
Obviously, Mary was upset.


	5. Chapter 5

**60 %**

“You’re too late, Lord,” Martha said, who had come to greet us right in front of Bethany. “He died an hour ago.”  
“Well, that’s a bummer,” Jesus replied. Mary burst out into tears and fell into her sister’s arms. “But I promise you, he will rise from the dead.”  
“If only we’d been here a little earlier. I know you could’ve saved him," Mary lamented.  
Judas leaned towards me and said: “You got into his head about those fig trees. It’s your fault, really.”  
“You know what, Judas? You deserve it,” I said to myself so that he couldn’t hear me.  
Jesus seemed really moved and I had to remember that Lazarus was his friend, too, not just Martha and Mary’s brother. He asked them to lead him to his body.  
“The only time I’ve ever seen a real dead person was in a documentary,” I silently said to Jesus. I didn’t even know why I told him that, especially because we both knew that Lazarus would be fine in just a few seconds.  
“Maybe it’d be best if you ‘overslept’ on the day of my crucifixion, especially considering that you once fainted when a nurse tried to draw some blood for a test,” Jesus whispered.  
“Wow, you really are a dick.”  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”  
“Yes, I think you actually did,” I replied and decided to skip the whole resurrection party and walk around town instead. Who knew, maybe Lazarus wasn’t even dead. Maybe he was just really deeply sleeping. I didn’t care.  
“I fucking knew it. Savior of humankind my ass,” I said as I walked away. “He’s just another entitled dick who gets worshipped because he’s yet another know-it-all with a penis and a tragic backstory. No wonder the New Testament’s so short. There aren’t that many kind things he actually said and did. And you may quote me on that!” The last sentence I directed towards the sky.  
“I’m actually over here,” someone said right next to me and I almost shat my pants.  
“Holy fuck!” I said to the woman who had appeared out of the blue.  
“Well, that greeting’s unconventional but I’ll take it.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry, do people usually bow and call you ‘m’Lord?’” I asked sarcastically.  
“Unfortunately, yes. I wish they’d stop. It’s really making me uncomfortable.”  
“_That_ makes God uncomfortable?”  
“No capital g, just _a_ god, really,” she corrected me.  
“What happened to ‘Thou shall have no other gods before me’ and all?”  
“I never said that. I mean, what do you think happens when you leave a religion to form in a patriarchal society that glorifies obedience above all? I should’ve objected back then but I mean, you always want to try to let things take their natural course, right?”  
“Riiight …,” I said because I didn’t know what else to say.  
“Well, then. Yes, you’re right, he’s a little rough around the edges but he was the only one who wanted to do it.”  
“I’m ... I’m sorry, what exactly do you mean?”  
“That whole son of god thing? It’s just a metaphor. Sure, I did tutor him for a few years and all but oh my, I most certainly did not impregnate a woman without her knowledge. Besides, who on Earth would actually believe that Joseph didn’t get to tap that? They were married and had no contraception, for fuck’s sake.” The deity seemed really upset.  
“Wait, but why does he actually believe that he’s god if he knows he’s not?”  
“It’s complicated. Let’s just say we’re sharing the god power right now. You can have some, too, if you want. Do you want some?” she asked and she really seemed to mean it.  
“Uuh, no thanks. Maybe at some other point.”  
“Sure thing. Just tell me whenever. Not on Tuesdays though, I’ve got spinning class on Tuesdays.”  
“Are you fucking with me?”  
“I would never,” she said, slightly offended. “Why do people always think that we don’t have a personal life?”  
“Sorry.”  
“It’s alright. You don’t get to live several million years and not learn to have a thick skin. Anyways, that’s actually why you’re here. You see, I wanted someone to … well, how do you say that … to fuck with him, so to speak. I basically needed someone to knock some sense into him.”  
“And you couldn’t’ve just asked?”  
“I’m asking now if that’s any consolation,” she said.  
“Actually, you’re not.”  
“Okay, well, then, will you please make sure he doesn’t fuck up too bad?”  
“I am not his babysitter.”  
“No, but it makes for a great book, don’t you think?” she proposed. “Besides, he already knows that things aren’t exactly going as planned and it was actually his idea." She paused and sighed. “That kid takes way too many mushrooms.” For a second, she looked genuinely concerned. And finally, the whole fig tree episode made sense.  
“He’s a grown fucking man!” I exclaimed. “And why do you treat this like some sort of game? Doesn’t humanity’s fate depend on how well that stoner does?”  
“Oh, hell no. Do you really think I’d put the fate of humankind on a single bet? Goodness me.” She sipped on a Martini she’d picked out of thin air. “Do you want one too?” I shook my head. “Okay, listen, I don’t care how you decide. There’s no hell I could send you to even if I wanted to – which I do not – and if you wanted to commit suicide right here and now, then, well, that’s the one thing I swore never to reveal. But you can ask another god, maybe they’ll tell you what’s next if they’re in a good mood. Anyways, I gotta go now, spinning class.”  
“But it’s Monday,” I said.  
“It’s always Tuesday somewhere.” And with that, she disappeared, Martini glass and all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's only a few days until Christmas Eve and we just hit the halfway mark, which means that you'll get the next chapter tomorrow already. That's actually pretty good, considering this chapter's the shortest of them all.  
Again, thank you so much for your undying support! It's always nice to know that you won't have to spend eternity in hell alone.

**50 %**

Now that things had taken an unsuspected turn, I realized I could just basically bargain my way back home. I was a nice person so I decided to stick around until his crucifixion if he promised to use his powers to zap me back into my timeline.  
So on our way back to Jerusalem (the resurrection was a total success, obviously), I took him aside and said: “You know, yesterday, I had a nice little chat with a woman who seems to love her spinning classes. Also, she thinks you’re a total crackhead. I’d advise you to get help for that but I mean, there’s only a few days left anyway, so what does it matter, right?”  
“Kay, you alk allot,” he slurred.  
“Are you seriously high _right now_?” I asked, dumbfounded.  
“No,” he said, then: “A little bit.”  
“Seriously, where do you even get it from?” He just placed his digit on his lips and said “shhh.” I was about to lose my mind but I needed to make this deal. I just hoped that the god part of him would remember this conversation later. “Here’s the deal: I’ll stick around until your crucifixion and in return, you send me back home, alright?”  
“Wha’ver you say, dawg.”  
“Dawg? What the hell is wrong with you? You’re not just a little bit high, you’re as high as a kite! Sober up, right now, before anyone notices,” I told him.  
“Noone’s gonn’ notice. I always spike our food with sum excessy. This way, they misinpret a lot of things just enough for me to lashhh out summtimes.”  
“You’ve been drugging us this whole time?!”  
“Not you,” he said and gave me a disappointed look. “Not that I din try but our adorable tiny little god keeps sobring you up. You’re no fun this way,” he said and that’s when I realized that I literally was his goddamn babysitter.

As we approached Jerusalem for the last time, people came out to greet Jesus so he sat on a donkey and rode it into the city. I was surprised he didn’t fall off.  
“I’d like to say something,” Jesus said as we reached town center and he got off his donkey. He seemed slightly less high but what did it even matter, right? He went up the stairs to the temple so that everyone could see him. Then he began his last public speech: “I think it’s time for you to worship me because I tell you: There’s this kernel of wheat, alright? And if it falls to the ground, as kernels do, if it falls to the ground and dies, it produces _so_ many seeds.” The people around him looked at each other and tried to make sense of what he’d just said. “Trust me, it all makes sense. See, if you subject yourself to complete nihilism because life isn’t really anything now, is it, then you will get immortal life. I’m not exactly sure how this is better since I just said that life is meaningless and you should totally hate it, so getting more life doesn’t seem to actually solve that initial problem. I think I’m basically saying that I don’t want to do this anymore.” Jesus looked up to the sky and shouted: “Please, release me from my duty!” Great thunder rolled over the land – but that was basically it. A heavenly “fuck off,” so to speak. Jesus cleared his throat. “Very well then. And to you, my beloved boyfriends and girlfriends, I say: Cherish me for as long as you can because I’ll be gone soon. One way or another.”  
Then he hurried down and disappeared in the crowd, muttering something about cannibalistic donkeys chasing him through a Walmart.


	7. Chapter 7

**40 %**

Jesus came back to the house around an hour after his preach. When the others asked him where he’d been, he simply said he’d been praying. I let it slide, that kid was under a lot of pressure after all.  
We then sat down for the last supper at which Jesus, still stoned, passed around a loaf of bread and called it “tiny Jesus.” He then took a sip of the wine and said: “And this, this is my blood.”  
“Your blood, Lord?” asked Judas.  
“It’s the same color after all.”  
“That doesn’t make it your blood, though. My blood’s red, too.”  
“You’re questioning me. You’ve been ever since we met. I don’t like your attitude, man,” said Jesus and put the goblet down.  
“I haven’t been questioning you, my Lord. _She_’s been!” And Judas pointed at me.  
“See? You’re still doing it. Why don’t you just go and betray me to the High Priests?”  
“Maybe I will,” Judas replied in anger and stood up.  
“Well, maybe you _should_. I demand you go and betray me, Judas.”  
“Seriously?” I said, perplexed. “Why?”  
“Because it says so in the scripture.”  
“You’re antagonizing Judas because you need someone to fulfill the scripture? Man, that’s fucked up.” I wanted to stop Judas from leaving but he was already gone.  
“It must happen,” Jesus simply said and took a sip of his wine. “It’s for the greater good.” Before I could fully realize what’d just happened, Jesus stood up and said: “It’s time. Let us go to our favorite garden.”  
They all rose and left with Jesus. I reluctantly followed them.  
Jesus then excused himself to pray but I followed him a few minutes later. He sat on a large rock right next to a creek and threw little pebbles into the water.  
“You know,” I said as I sat down next to him, “when I realized where I was a few days ago, I actually hoped a little bit that the things they taught me in Bible class would be real. But it’s all just a giant hoax. Some people actually believe that you were there to help them but you’re only here to help yourself, to boost your own ego.”  
“You’re right,” he said and threw another pebble. “But it was never about any of that. People need someone they can believe in for when they forget to believe in themselves. It doesn’t matter what kind of person I actually am. What matters is what people make of it.”  
“It’s all just a lie then? How’s that any better?”  
“You’re disappointed and I understand. I might not be the person you thought I was but that doesn’t mean that I’ll never become him.” Jesus was out of pebble stones. “Maybe by the time you’ll get back I’ll be the kind of person you hoped I could be.”  
“There he is!” I heard Judas say and I turned around to see him and several soldiers approach us.  
“Are you Jesus of Nazareth?” one of the men asked and Jesus said yes. They apprehended him without even acknowledging me, which was a little strange, since I vehemently protested. Actually, they didn’t seem to notice me at all. I tested my theory by clapping my hands in front of a soldier’s eyes but they didn’t even blink once.  
“They can’t see you,” Jesus whispered as they led him out of the garden.  
“Oh, you don’t say.”  
“Listen, I have a favor to ask.”  
“_Now_?”  
“Yes. I need you to find a Bible and tell me my lines when we’re in front of Pilate.”  
“What the actual fuck, this is insane. Where would I even get such a Bible from? That book doesn’t even exist yet,” I protested.  
“Which is why I’m gonna send you back to the wedding reception. Surely, there’ll be a Bible lying around. I bet your aunt has one in her bag.”  
“Hey, shut up!” one of the soldiers said and slapped Jesus.  
“You have 30 minutes. Please.”  
And suddenly, I was back at the wedding.


	8. Chapter 8

**30 %**

“There you are! Where have you been? We’re taking pictures, c’mon!” My mother pulled me over to the huge wedding party even though I said I really needed to pee. I didn’t but for some inexplicable reason I only had 30 minutes to find a Bible and bring it back to Jerusalem 2000 years ago. “You can hold it for five minutes. It’s your aunt’s wedding after all,” she said and told me to hold my two-year-old cousin for the picture.  
Of course, it didn’t just take five minutes so by the time we were finally done I had only 15 minutes left to find my aunt’s bag and steal her Bible. It really seemed highly immoral, I mean, a Bible of all things. And obviously, the stealing part too.  
“Why the heck couldn’t he do this himself? And why does he even need that stupid book? Doesn’t he like have all the power in the world? Surely, he must know what to _say_,” I mumbled as I rummaged through the guest’s coats and bags.  
“Can I help you?” somebody interrupted me and I quickly turned around. The cloakroom clerk had caught me red-handed.  
“Uuh, yeah, I … I am actually looking for my aunt’s bag?”  
“And you are?”  
“I’m the bride’s niece.”  
“Right,” he said with a fake smile and I knew he wouldn’t give me any bag at all. “I’m gonna have to call security now.”  
“It’s okay, Robert. She’s with me,” said a woman who’d just appeared out of nowhere. Again.  
“Fucking deus ex machina,” I whispered in disbelief as she led me into a side corridor.  
“I leave you two alone for a few hours and both of you manage to get arrested?” She shook her head.  
“You brought me into this mess in the first place,” I reminded her.  
“Well, I didn’t tell you to go through other people’s belongings like a thief, did I?”  
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I was so frustrated I was about to punch an actual god into the face.  
She ignored me and shoved a book into my hands. “Here’s a Bible. Now, off you go!” And with that, she sent me back.

“I asked you a question,” Pilate said the moment I appeared right next to Jesus. I quickly opened the Bible. “Are you the king of the Jews?”  
“Is that your own idea or did others talk to you about me?” I recited.  
“Is that your own idea or did others talk to you about me?” Jesus repeated.  
“Do I look like a Jew to you? What kind of question is that? Tell me, what did you do?”  
“My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place,” I read out loud.  
“My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my loyal servants would fight for me and my noble cause. But alas, my kingdom is from a place far, far away,” Jesus paraphrased.  
“Why do you talk like that?” Pilate asked. “Do you actually believe you’re a king?”  
“You say that I am a king. In fact, the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me,” I told Jesus. But Jesus said: “Why do you keep calling me a king? In fact, the very reason I was born into this oh so wretched world is to testify to the truth and nothing but the truth. I am the truth and therefore, people listen to me, the truth. The _true_ truth.”  
“Just repeat after me, man,” I said, exasperated.  
“The sentences were really long and I’m under a lot of pressure right now, okay?” he quickly whispered as Pilate went back to the crowd. I followed him to hear what he had to say.  
“I find no basis for a charge against him,” he said to the crowd. “But man, he’s so weird, so do what you want with him.”  
Well, fuck.


	9. Chapter 9

**20 %**

They pushed Jesus into the streets and shoved a giant wooden beam into his hands, which I helped him carry because I’m nice like that. We didn’t say a word on our way to that bloody awful place but once we got there and the soldiers started to assemble the cross, Jesus asked me to distract him as best as I could.  
“How much do you actually know about the future?” I asked. “Like, when you say you have all the power does that include all the knowledge as well or just the things you need to know to complete your mission here?”  
“I guess you could call my powers fairly limited. Also, I hardly know anything about the future,” he said as they came to get him.  
“Oh, do you want to know some things? Or do you hate spoilers?”  
“No, go ahead.”  
“Oh, we’ll go ahead, pretty boy,” one of the soldiers mocked him. They probably thought he was already delirious.  
“Okay, I’ll give you a really quick summary then. So, I actually don’t know that much about the first millennium, so we’ll just skip ahead 1000 years. There’s gonna be a massive plague, called the Black Plague, and it’ll kill most people, which sucks. Big time.”  
“That doesn’t sound nice,” Jesus commented as they stretched him out on the cross.  
“No, it really doesn’t. Some entitled idiots from Europe will sail the seas, kill and rape a lot of indigenous people they meet on their travels and colonize half the world. All in your name.”  
“Wait, that’s also not very nice.”  
“No, it really isn’t. There’s – oh my _fucking_ GOD – there’s ... there's also gonna be at least two World Wars, both of them will be, ironically, called ‘the war to end all wars.’ Such a stupid thing to say.” I wasn’t sure how much he’d heard of that because he’d been screaming throughout my little dialogue, for obvious reasons.  
“Do you have anything nice to tell me?!” He almost screamed those words at me. The soldiers exchanged confused looks.  
“Well, we’ll land on the Moon in 1969 and we’ll also put some cute robots on Mars sometime in the early 21st century,” I said, panicking. “But then again, we’ll also be really killing the planet at that point, so who cares, right?”  
“How is this supposed to cheer me up?” Jesus complained and screamed again.  
“I didn’t know I was supposed to cheer you up, dude! You said you wanted to be distracted!” I was freaking out.  
“This was a horrible idea. Humans are terrible.”  
“Tell me something I don’t know,” I said. They were now erecting the cross. “This is so fucked up, man.” I paced in circles around the cross while I tried to focus.  
“What is a Europe?” Jesus suddenly asked.  
“Eur– Europe’s a continent. Like Asia and Africa. You know, big landmasses that consist of several countries.”  
“The world can’t possibly be that big,” he said.  
“Dude, have you recently looked at me? I must be the first white person you’ve ever seen. Do you think people like me just happen to live around the corner?” Other people were now allowed to come over so we had to interrupt our little pre-mortem chit-chat.  
“I wouldn’t bother,” one of the soldiers said to his mom. “He’s been talking nonsense ever since we got here. He’s gone.” That made his mother weep even more so I made sure that soldier tripped over my foot on his way back down.  
As Jesus saw Peter standing there right next to his mother he said: “My bro, and look, my mother!” And then again: “My mother, and look, my bro!” Okay, yeah, he might’ve been a little bit delirious at that point.  
A few moments later, he looked up to the sky one last time and said: “I am so done with you.” And then, he died.  
Temporarily, of course.  
So let’s just call it a bloody nap.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I borrowed one of the jokes in this chapter from @TheToddWilliams on Twitter. You can find the tweet here (https://twitter.com/TheToddWilliams/status/853660212812808192) but I'd recommend waiting until the end before clicking on the link as to not spoil the joke. (Btw, that's the thing that started it all. I read that tweet and I immediately thought, "Man, I should write a terrible piece where I can use this thing.")
> 
> So, this is it, my friends. The great finale. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed reading your comments.  
Thank you for joining me on this blasphemic journey. :)  
Good bi! ;)

**10 %**

They took Jesus off the cross and put him into a near-by grave. I wanted to make sure that they actually left him inside the grave so that sucker couldn’t cheat later on so I quickly went back in and checked but just when I turned around they put the stone in front of the entrance and locked me in.  
“Nooooooooooooo,” I said emotionlessly, as I realized I was stuck in a grave with a dead corpse that could come back to life at any given moment. It was dark and silent and cold. I mean, they had buried me alive with a goddamn corpse!  
“I am stuck in a grave with Jesus Christ,” I sang to keep me from going insane. “And the fish that we ate wasn’t spiced. And I might just die in heeeeeere, where it’s cold and dark and weird.” Well, I wasn’t a poet. “And I’ll probably never become one now because I’ll die in this goddamn grave,” I wallowed in self-pity. Luckily, I fell asleep soon after that embarrassing episode.  
I woke up to a blinding light that filled the whole grave.  
“Man, I’m trying to sleep here, do you mind?” I said to the, probably, angel in front of me.  
“What are you doing in here?” they asked, perplexed. “Also, don’t be afraid, blah blah blah.”  
“Do I look like I’m afraid?”  
“Well, no, but I’m supposed to say that,” they explained. “Now, back to my initial question. What the hell are you doing in here?”  
“That doesn’t sound very heavenly to me.”  
“Don’t tell me how to do my job. I’ve been doing this for a long time.”  
“And you still get sent into this depressing grave to check up on him like a babysitter?” That was my job, after all.  
“There aren’t that many advancement options for angels,” they informed me.  
“Well, that sucks. You might wanna think about a career change.”  
“Maybe I will.”  
“Good,” I said.  
“Good,” they said.  
“So what are you doing in my grave?” I asked like a big fat ogre. That seemed to confuse them. A lot.  
“Your – _your_ grave? You’re not even supposed to be here. There was nothing about an annoying woman in my memo.”  
“Or maybe that’s what they wanted you to think.” I stood up and straightened my clothes. “I am head of angel resources. Here to supervise and grade your work.”  
“No, you’re not,” they said.  
“Oh, so you want to take this to upper management?” I asked. “We can do that. I’m sure Brian from the Angel’s Front of Judea will be more than happy to hear what I’ll have to say about your work ethic and general attitude towards authority figures.”  
“What is going on here?” the dead corpse suddenly asked.  
“Lord, you’re back!” the angel exclaimed and fell on their knees.  
“I was just explaining that I’m here to supervise our friend’s work here.”  
“Supervise their work?” Jesus asked and I nodded. “Ooooh, yes, right. Supervise their work!"  
"For the centennial report," I said.  
"For the centennial report?" Jesus asked, confused, but he quickly added: "Right! For the centennial report, the report that gets written every century, the centennial report.”  
“The centennial report, Lord?”  
“Yes, the centennial report. It’s due next Saturday, haven’t you heard?”  
“I’m afraid I must’ve missed it, my Lord,” the angel said. They were very unsure of themselves all of a sudden.  
“Better get going then,” I said. “But please remove this giant stone first. The air’s getting a little thick in here, don’t you think?”  
“Of course, of course,” the angel said and pushed the rock aside. “There you go. And please,” they turned to me, “don’t mention anything to Brian.”  
“I won’t,” I promised as I knew it’d be really easy to keep that promise. The angel disappeared.  
“What was that all about?” Jesus asked me as we stepped out into the morning sun.  
“I was stuck in there for more than an entire day. I think I deserve a little fun after all that torture.”  
“I’m sorry, you’re calling _that_ torture?”  
“This isn’t about you, okay? I have feelings too,” I said. Jesus just rolled his eyes.  
“I assume I should send you back now, huh?”  
“Actually, not quite yet. There’s something I’d like to do first,” I told him.

Jesus made sure that people could see and hear me again. I mean, I had to make sure they could see me one last time before I went back home. After all, they might never see such a beautiful human being again. I’m just kidding, they needed to hear me for my pun to work.  
So I went back to the house and as I expected, everyone was there, deeply depressed and drowning in self-pity.  
“Why the long faces?” I asked as I sat down next to Peter.  
“Where have you been? Haven’t you heard? Jesus is dead,” he told me.  
“Well, he’s not really dead now, is he?”  
“I was there and watched him die. He’s definitely gone.”  
“But he said –,” I tried to remind him but I got interrupted by Mary, who stormed into the room and said: “They grave’s empty! They’ve taken Jesus from the tomb!” Well, my time to shine.  
“What do you mean, it’s empty?” Peter asked, concerned.  
“His body’s gone! Somebody must’ve broken in and stolen his body!”  
“Or maybe they gave him Upjesus,” I suggested. Mary looked at me as if I’d just spoken in tongues.  
“What’s Upjesus?”  
“Not much,” he said and appeared in the door frame behind Mary. “What about you?”  
“Who are you?” Peter asked.  
“A memory!” Mary exclaimed.  
“A ghost!” Peter cried out in agony. I frowned and asked him: “A what now?”  
“It really is me,” Jesus said and showed them his wounds.  
“Dude, you should seriously shove these into the face of a medical professional, not mine,” I complained. I mean, the blood on it was hardly dry yet. Oh, and also, I COULD FUCKING SEE THROUGH HIS HANDS! The holes where so big, you could place some fucking Christmas ornaments in those! That sucker just served us some resurrection with an extra side of infection. It rhymes because it’s fucking terrible.  
“I think I’m gonna get some fresh air.” I stood up again and squeezed through the muddle of worshippers. When I had finally reached the door I turned around and bowed. “It was an honor to fuck with y’all,” I thanked them and left. They weren’t listening anyway.  
I came to a small stand where they sold figs and said: “It’s not even fig season, you know?” The goddess behind the cart waved her hand and the figs turned into flatbread.  
“Better?” she asked me. I just shrugged.  
“May I?” I asked and took a piece when she said yes. I was really hungry at this point so plain bread had to do. I took a bite but immediately had to spit it out. “Man, this is fucking terrible. And how is it both damp and dry?” The goddess raised her eyebrows.  
“Are you criticizing my bread?”  
“You bet I am,” I said and slapped that bad boy back onto the display. “You know, there are way more effective ways to kill someone.” That made her laugh.  
“Well, let’s get you back home. Deal’s a deal.” She hadn’t even uttered all the words yet when we were back in the side corridor. Just in time, since a quick glance at my phone told me that its battery was down to 1 percent. “Sorry you missed the wedding,” she apologized.  
“It wasn’t that fun anyway.”  
“No, it really wasn’t,” she agreed. “But don’t tell your aunt I said that.”  
“Don’t tell me you said what?” my aunt suddenly interrupted us.  
“Nothing,” I assured her.  
“Well, gotta run. Lots of people to disappoint,” the goddess said and hurried away, almost knocking my aunt off her feet who angrily exclaimed: “God, for fuck’s sake. Watch where you’re going!”


End file.
